Five
Four steps, one page.
For when there is a specific thing to sort out and you do not want to read anything else first.
-
1
Identify the problem
Write the specific thing in one sentence: who, what, and how often. Not a feeling, not a character judgement — the event that keeps happening.
Example: work messages arrive on Sunday and I answer them within the hour.
-
2
Decide what you need
Ask what you will do, not what they should stop doing. Make it something you can carry out on your own, without their agreement.
Example: I'm not going to reply to work messages at the weekend.
-
3
Say it clearly
One short sentence, ordinary words, no apology attached. Say it when things are calm if you can. You do not owe an explanation, and adding one invites a discussion.
Example: "I don't check messages after Friday. I'll pick things up on Monday morning."
-
4
Follow through
The boundary is what you do next, not what you said. Expect to repeat yourself. Expect it to feel worse before it feels normal — usually about three or four times.
Example: the Sunday message stays unread until Monday, and nothing is explained on Monday either.
Worth keeping in mind
-
A boundary describes what you will do or allow. It is not a way to control what someone else does.
-
Say it once. Repeat it unchanged. Do not upgrade the explanation.
-
"I can't" and "that doesn't work for me" are complete answers.
-
Start with a small one, with a low-stakes person. Practice is the whole thing.
-
Guilt can be present while the boundary holds. Both can be true at once.
-
If you cannot enforce it alone, it is a request, not a boundary — which is fine, as long as you know which one you are making.